I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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