Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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