He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
