I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
