Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
