I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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