i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
