4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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