Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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