a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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