dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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