My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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