so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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