Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
