Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
