I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
