Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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