I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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