hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
