Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
