When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
