remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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