Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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