I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
