I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
