I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
