Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
