Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
