oh god the rape fog is back!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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