i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
