Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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