Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
