he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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