What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
