He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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