absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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