"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You ruined the universe
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
