I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
