Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
