cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
