So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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