You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
