Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
