Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
4 words: hood of his car
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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