Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize