The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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