I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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