I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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