my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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