Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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