My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
