he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
