mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
