I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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