How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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