I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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