Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
