Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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