I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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