I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
