Jerry, you need to find god
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
