remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
They have beer where we have blood.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
